Top 20 Ways to Tell: You’ve been Living in China For Too long…

My girlfriend Maddy and I have been living in Shenzhen, China (about 45 min from Hong Kong, in the south) for a while. A little bit too long, I'd say, because a lot of shocking things have become pretty normal around here. We put together this list to convey some of what we deal with on a regular basis....

(20) Spitting on the table is OK: Chinese people love to spit. Walking on the sidewalk, waiting in a lobby, wherever. But the most exciting place to watch Chinese people spit is at the dinner table. Any dish that contains bones (and a lot do here), the food goes in one side of the mouth and the bones come out the other, back onto the table. It's pretty fun to watch.

(19) Diarrhea is expected: Every meal begins the dreaded countdown. Will I have solid poop later or will it keep me up at night? No matter what you eat here - nice restaurants, hole-in-the-walls, expensive, cheap, meat, vegetarian - you're never safe.

(18) You get upset when a store carries Chinese clothing labels instead of samples: Samples are basically the Calvin Klein, Chanel, American name brand clothing that is sampled out of the factory. Unlike the fake stuff, samples come from the actual factory that makes the real, name brand clothing for Calvin Klein or whatever. Finding them is pretty easy because many clothing stores simple get them and resell them, so you'll tend to find one-of-a-kind type stuff because they literally get 1 pair of those great Doc Martin shoes. The Chinese brands, on the other hand, are kind of crappy.

(17) Can distinguish between the smell of "stinky tofu" and rancid meat: I don't get it, but Chinese people LOVE their stinky tofu, which is exactly what it sounds like. It smells like poop and it is sold commonly by street vendors so you catch a whiff of it walking by. It is tofu but it stinks like shit. Now when I walk by, I know what it is and am not quite as shocked to find people eat it and ... enjoy it!

(16) Still can't squat right, and pee on your foot: This is a girl thing. The squat toilets (basically a hole in the ground) is the common bathroom here. Maddy says being able to use these toilets properly, without getting some dribble on your shoe, is still beyond her. Practice makes perfect, I guess.

(15) Not fooled by menus that come in English: A lot of restaurants will have bilingual menus. Problem is, the english is almost always a bad translation, so the dish ends up being disturbingly different from what you expected when you pointed at the menu to order. Tuna sandwich, yeah right. Try stinky tofu. Always order by picture.

(14) You can spot the Chinese people in a foreign country: If you can sit at a restaurant in Thailand and point out the Chinese people simply by their manners, (read number 1), you know you've been in China for too long.

(13) Standing in front of elevators is OK: The courtesy of letting people off an elevator, and then getting on, does not exist here. Instead, people congregate around the elevator as it opens up, forcing the people inside to have to push their way through. This is one of those things I hope we don't continue doing when returning to New York.

(12) Perfectly normal to wash food with SOAP: Yeah, you can never be too careful, but in this case, you'll probably get sick if you don't scrub the shit out of your produce with industrial level soap. But make sure you dry it thoroughly afterwards... the tap water will kill you too!

(11) Wear pajamas outside your apartment: Fashion... it basically does not exist here. It's so cool for a couple to wear matching outfits that a store downstairs actually sells "him" and "her" t-shirts on display like they are the latest garments from Tommy Hilfiger. But on a Tuesday evening, you will also spot people wearing their pajamas, walking around like it's a new fashion statement.

(10) You eat Cipro like it's PEZ and drink Pepto like it's Coke: Ah, good old broad spectrum antibiotics and the Pink Stuff. You can never be too safe.

(9) You are patient with Internet speeds slower than 1997 dialup: Since all internet traffic goes through censorship algorithms, and only ONE ISP exists (this is not America), you're lucky if DSL gets up to 6Kb/sec. Checking a website can take minutes, Outlook will time-out and think you're offline, and watching a 30 second video on YouTube will take, no joke, HOURS. Interestingly, BitTorrent gets up to a solid 150Kb/sec, which is pretty amazing.

(8) When Pizza Hut is considered gourmet Italian: I think that sums up dining here in Shenzhen. Pizza Hut is actually a very nice restaurant here, on par with some of the finer establishments. Sadly, even the best places serve mediocre food.

(7) A big night out with your girlfriend costs $30: Taxi ride for 2 to hot nightlife: $2. Dinner for 2 with bottle of wine: $18. Cocktails at hip bar, for 2: $7 Having gastrointestinal problems later on: priceless.

(6) Names like "Swan", "Metal", "Forest", and "Lucky" are perfectly normal: Chinese people tend to knight themselves with English names. Trouble is, they pick names they perceive as cool without really knowing what the name means. Girls love the name "Cherry". Seriously?

(5) You forget what the movie theater was: For the price of a single ticket to see Spiderman 3 at the theater ($11), you can buy 18 DVDs (40 cents each), including Spiderman 3. Yes, pirating is bad and illegal, but it's also hard NOT to do that math. We have several hundred DVDs at this point since we commonly buy a few almost every day from the dozen vendors right outside our apartment.

(4) Fake merchandise is expected: This is where it all happens, so obviously it's pretty easy for Chinese manufacturers to make crappy fake stuff along with the good quality stuff. Anything you buy here is not exactly "fake" like a Louis Vitton bag. It's just crap, and it will likely break within a day or two. Luggage won't even make it to the airport. Computer equipment is shady. DVDs are commonly bad copies (not bad quality, but they start skipping halfway through).

(3) Wearing the same clothes 3 days in a row is acceptable: It's normal for people to show up to work several consecutive days wearing the same outfit. I love this because I get to go days without changing!

(2) Getting your apartment cleaned for $4 is TOO expensive: Cleaning services charge about $1.50 per hour to clean. This is a bit more competitive than my sister's cleaning service for $50. Interestingly, when everything is really cheap, you become even more frugal. Example: A single cab ride could get you 25 bus/subway rides. $12 in the grocery store could buy 2 week's worth of food and beverage.

And the number 1 reason you know you've been in China too long...

(1) You've forgotten what Wikipedia was: Those crazy Chinese, always censoring and blocking your internet traffic. The most noticeable site that never works is Wikipedia, which is a shame because it apparently is the number 1 google result 70% of the time (according to a study I read somewhere). Sites will flutter in and out of existence, one minute YouTube will work, the next minute it won't. I think it all depends on China Telecom's mood that day.